Great Expectations

Do you ever find yourself stuck at a crossroads because of your own expectations? Whether an argument or a life changing decision, there are always things we set up for ourselves due to simple expectations. I feel that I constantly am let down because of what I expect out of life, people and general situations that occur. Like if you back into a vehicle, stay and resolve it with the car owner, don't just drive off leaving thousands in damage fees. Like if you need a babysitter you have a bucket of family choices, not just your friends in the neighborhood. Like having someone's back because they are a human being too, even when they hurt you repeatedly. I find myself expecting these types of things, and constantly feeling the downfall of too high an expectation.
One of my many flaws is that I too often allow people to be recognized instead of myself. Whenever there is an awkward moment, a worn heart, an overburdened trial, I am the one who rushes in. I am the one who stands as the "strong one" even though in the mirror all I see is weakness. I am the one who when all hell is breaking lose reaches my oar out for help, even though I feel my boat is sinking. I am the one who takes the pain away from others, even when I cry myself to sleep. I am the one who sheds light on the problematic situation, even when I feel alone in the darkness. 

So why is it that I do this? Part of me thinks that it's what I have been raised to do. Being the eldest of five, it was difficult to stand by and watch my mother struggle alone. Helping out with diapers and bottles from a young age, to driving siblings to work or school as a teenager, to helping out with trials and sorrows as a young adult has proved to be my lot in life. Moving from direct family members, to friends and random strangers along the way. So looking at my life and the building blocks that built me, lead me to see that I could easily choose that as my excuse. Taking a step outside the "mortal" arena, I find that it's deeper than that. I have felt throughout my life that I have a more divine calling than building my life around myself. Many people grow up, leave home, get an education and build their lives based on cost and worth. I from a young age felt it more important to help others attain what they wanted by being their stepping stone. Whether that meant lending money, a place to live, a friends advice and comfort or just responding to the call. In my soul I feel more connected to this habit, than what my mind tells me.

Habitually, it makes sense to be a service to those in need. However, I repeatedly allow myself to get worn out by requests to the point I can't serve my own children or husband. I feel left behind in the progress of life, and now physically my body is saying "slow the heck down girl!" When I stretch myself so far, and rarely feel the give in return I need to be the one to say stop. No one else is going to for me. How do you find the median in your own habits? Especially those which are so engrained in you as a person, you would feel stripped without them. I am making changes to my life on a drastic level to where I can enjoy my own life, and my own family more than how I used to. I need to be a little more selfish, to change and lessen the expectations I have for myself and those around me. I don't want to come off sounding like I have a God complex, but I find that sometimes doing the right thing isn't necessarily what's right for me. I have a long way to go on bettering myself to be who I want to be.